yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
