when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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