You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
