I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
