Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
