The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
