We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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