my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm at about main and main street
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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