Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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