How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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