I'm eating all of the evidence.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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