end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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