I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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