Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
