Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
