last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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