Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
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i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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