he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
