Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
