So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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