Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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