I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
