Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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