I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual