i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?