Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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