I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
