I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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