he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
