goodnight i made you a song goodbye
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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