The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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