and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize