So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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