so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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