if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
