saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
