Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
