Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
