my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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