batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm too high and old for this...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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