Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
