I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
