Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
