I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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