Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
