How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
