i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
