Plan B is the new Plan A
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
