I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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