just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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