he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
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He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
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I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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