My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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