I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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