yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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