After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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