You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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