I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
