omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
