oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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