Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
