and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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